As this blog is about adoption, it seems natural for me to wish my Birth Mother Lana a Happy Mother’s Day. So with this post I have a Letter and a Mother’s Day rant. But first here is a little slide show I put together in honor of Lana on Mother’s Day. Note: if you wish to see my comments on the pics, just click on the picture to be taken to my flicker page where you can read descriptions of each photo.
Here is my Letter: My Mother’s Day Letter for Lana
Here is wishing you a Very Special Mother’s day Lana! I hope it is a good day of peace for you. I thank you for your choice to give me life, and I so much appreciate that you opened the door to me in reunion. It means so much to me that despite the tremendously difficult road our reunion took that you never gave up, that you did not close that door again after I initially rejected you; that you act as the mother you are and love me like a mother, you stay committed to us working things out. As a mother would never give up on her child, you never give up on us, and you give me time to process my adopted life and work through my many mixed and difficult emotions.
It is not to say that all rough spots are behind us – but I can promise you I no longer expect you to be that perfect mom of my adopted child fantasies. I understand that you are human as I am, and that while we might look a lot alike – we don’t have to be alike to accept each other. I won’t push you away again to test if you will come back for me. I won’t fear rejection so much that I fail to be honest about things I think you won’t like. I can promise I won’t do those things again. That is my Mother’s Day Promise to You! Love, Pam
So with the close of my letter, here is my RANT:
I speak for myself when I say I can only assume that Mother’s Day for many birth mothers is not necessarily a happy day, or a day one feels like celebrating. Much like birthdays for adoptees, this day can be a reminder of loss. It feels almost surreal that I can sit down and write this and know Lana, my birth mother will read this. That we are in contact and I know who and where she is.
So many Mother’s Days before I would buy my adoptive mother a card, make her a meal, thank her for being a great mom, but somewhere in the back of my mind I thought of her – that mystery woman whose belly held me and fed me, the womb of my very creation. Somewhere there was a woman walking around with a belly I had once resided in. That seemed so very bizarre to me. As I got older I of course thought of her in more sentimental less childish ways, and when I became a mom, my heart began to ache with the thought of her on Mother’s Day.
It always occurred to me that it was highly likely that if she was alive – well this day was the one day of them all on which she would be thinking of me – even if she tried her hardest not to.
“I am here. I am okay. I hope you are well and not too sad today. Thinking of you too, sending my love. Let’s find each other one day okay?” And then that was that.
Today I go to the store and look for a good card to send – but they don’t make cards for birth mothers (although I did learn this year a little too late that you can buy them online these days). I poke through the selection at the grocery store, “Thank you for kissing all those skinned knees Mom,” or “Sorry I never cleaned my room Mom,” or “You were there for me no matter what Mom.”
Where are the cards that say “Thank you for giving me life Mom! – Thank you for not aborting me Mom – Thank you for suffering your whole life with a big gigantic hole in your heart Mom – Sorry for the lost years between us Mom – Sorry it took me so long to find you Mom – Wow Mom you must have super human emotions to be have been able to endure all these years between us – I bet you would have been an Awesome Mom, Mom if you have only been given a chance – Mom, We may have lost many years, but we have the rest of our lives to make up for it. – Or – I am sorry I was unprepared for reunion and rejected you Mom, so thanks for sticking with me – Or – I am sorry we are not as close as we’d like but at least we are reunited Mom.”
No I don’t see these cards. I also don’t see any for foster moms or step-moms, or like-a-moms. And for sure none for birth-father’s either! There are so many many forms of parenting and it makes me so sad to stand at the card rack and see only what “the buyers” think will sell. I am temped to create my own line just like those smart folks I linked to up there.
So that is my wish and my rant – Happy Mother’s Day to all the Mom’s in every shape and form everywhere!
A special shout out to MY SPECIAL MOMS!
Jacqueline McIntyre Meyer – My amazing mother who raised me well and taught me all the important stuff, like how to be an awesome mom, how to love your kids, how to be a proper bitch when necessary and/or sometimes just for fun, how to drink responsibly and play poker with wild abandon (or was it drink with wild abandon and play poker responsibly hmmm?)
Susan Nance Knight – My newest mom, my mother’s long lost twin sister, who is teaching me so much about how to roll with the flow that life sends you (what a lady to welcome me in and adopt me as she has), she has been wonderful in every way; and she is a generally awesome blast of a lady that I hope to be like when I grow up.
Joan McDonald – My mother-in-law who gave birth to my husband and is Ganny to my step-son. She reminds me how important a mother’s love is and how important unconditional love is. Her stories have taught me to fight for what you know is right in your heart. She raised my Jim and I get to reap the benefits of a job well done.
Christine, Donica, Brienne, Tracy, Alison, Julie G., Sharon, Crystal, Tweeter, Trish, Kathy, Marolyn, Marlane, Dawn, Robin, so many of the AKA moms I have met and a few Mommies-to-be I know – You all are/will be the best MOM’s on the planet. I am serious ladies, you rock the Mommy Bus BIG TIME!
LOVE YOU ALL AND HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY
~ “Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland I am this: Reunited Adoptee/Daughter, Inspired Writer/Author, Wanna Be Yogi/Techie, Advocating Adoption Reform/Komen 3-Day 60 Mile Walker, Hungry Organic/Optimist, Lover of Coffee/Wine/Cheese, that’s me.